HELP!.. should I modificate my letter of intent?

I am writing an essay based on the life-style affect that the Beatles and rock has contributed to society for my english class.. but first I had to write a letter of intent in Business Letter Format.. would you kindly give me some editorial advise..? :








### W ##St.


Los Angeles, CA 90016











April 21, 2008





Susan Miller Dorsey High School


3537 Farmdale Ave.


AP English Literature








Dear Ms. Middleton,





I realize society is unaware of how music has influenced life-style throughout the decades. It is important to acknowledge why we speak the way we do, dress the way we do, and live as we do.





I have therefore chosen to research on the revolutionary affect of the rock genre, particularly that of the British Beatles. The sixties and it’s music greatly impacted and reflected upon topics such as the Civil Rights and the Vietnam War.





I will reveal how the birth of the “Flower Power” time period has affected us both negatively and beneficially.














Sincerely,


...

HELP!.. should I modificate my letter of intent?
I have noticed that society is largely unaware of how popular music has influenced life-style throughout the last several decades. It is important to acknowledge why we speak the way we do, dress the way we do, and live as we do. I have therefore chosen to research the revolutionary effects of the rock genre, particularly of the the Beatles.





The music of the 1960s was greatly influenced by the momentous social upheavals created by the Civil Rights Movement and the Vietnam War, and in turn helped to shape and focus public opinions about them.





In this paper I will use the popular music of the era to reveal the lingering beneficial and negative effects on society of the “Flower Power” time period.








It's mostly all your stuff; I just tightened it up a little and focused it on the audience (in this case, Ms. Middleton). You have a tendency to ramble on a bit too much. (It's a difficult habit to break...believe me, I know.) Keep that under control, focus on an audience that is interested but has NO prior knowledge of your topic or your intent, and you should produce a very good piece of work. Enjoy the research!





P.S. The word is 'modify,' not 'modificate.'